September 1986 - A Hand to Hold









 

Hello there friend,

This is a post I wrote some time ago, detailing the effect of becoming "late deafened" at 39 when my children were 5, 10 and 12.

This post begins 6 weeks after I had been told to "learn to live with being deaf".

This is so not about me, I am just the vehicle Jesus is using to tell my story of Him.

 

There has never been a day since that I have not needed to hold tightly to HIS hand,

nor a day I not been grateful for all the blessings in my life.

 

Go ahead grab a cup of coffee/tea and a bite to eat.

Let's sit together as I tell you of this day back in Sept 1986.

 

 

A Hand to Hold

My world became a "glass bubble".  Everything in my world appeared to be the same from the
outside. I got up every morning as usual, prepared nourishing breakfast for the family, hustled the children into the car to take them to school.  Waved to friends doing the same. Kissed my children goodbye as they left, told them I loved them, told them they could be anything they wanted to be. Smiled, blew kisses. Drove off.

From the outside, nothing had changed.

From inside, my world was filled with a terror so gripping, so total, that each morning after I came back home I would go into our bedroom, take the phone I had used right before leaving on vacation 6 weeks before and hold it up to my ear.  I WAS NOT GOING TO BE DEAF!  I WAS GOING TO WILL MYSELF TO HEAR THE DIAL TONE OF THAT PHONE!  I would hold that phone pressed to ear for minutes, hours, I truly don't know. Each day I would be determined that this was the day I would hear the dial tone, as the minutes slipped  by the tears fell, the terror increased, my ability to handle the loss of the major sense of hearing became less and less. In desperation, I would throw the phone across the bed and cry myself to sleep.  Every day I would wake up in time to clean up, set up milk and a snack, get my children from school, smile, wave to friends, bring my children home and again, from the outside my life  looked normal.

This went on for several weeks.  Each day the terror inside grew.  With each aspect of my life that was taken away such as seeing  my friends and sharing a few words at school, using the phone to talk to my parents 1500 miles away, asking for anything and being able to understand the response in a store, post office, bank, school office, the children's teachers, the terror took over and my reality became a nightmare of "how do I be the mother I was"?

One day, I had totally reached the end of my ability to cope with being deaf.  I took my children to school, came home took the bottle of Tylenol and a glass of iced tea into the bedroom. I did not have the strength to fight through the glass bubble of deafness that surrounded me every waking moment of every single day. I wanted to smash that glass bubble, but the harder I pounded the more strength I lost. I loved my three children with all my heart. I loved being their mom. I had three very unique, wonderful children. Inside I was still that mom. Outside, my glass bubble made it impossible for me to be that mom anymore. As the terror washed over me again and again like waves smashing against the rocks, I closed my eyes, still holding the unopened Tylenol bottle and knew I had come to a crossroad.  I wanted my life back!  I wanted to hear my children. I wanted to make calls as a room mother, I wanted to hear whispered secrets, I wanted to know why my children were crying or laughing.  I WANTED MY LIFE BACK!  I wanted to open the Tylenol and take them all. What good was I as their mother now?  Each time I went to open the bottle, three precious little faces would come to mind.  Yet.....I was so alone, just a imitation of the mother I had loved being. I started to open the bottle........I felt HIS hand grab mine.  I knew it was Jesus. I did not see a vision with my eyes, but the hand I was holding with a death grip was solid,  real. No, I cannot explain it other than to say I felt the peace, strength and HIS LOVE surround me.  I don't know how long I just sat holding HIS hand. No concept of time.  Only being filled to overflowing from my soul.

Finally,  I got up. I was still deaf.  I was still felt remnants of terror and a griping loneliness, but I knew that I had HIS strength to never  hold a bottle of Tylenol in my hands and think of ending my life.  That day, I made a decision to walk through deafness, terror, loneliness, despair, anger, grief, frustration and to find instead beauty and blessings.

 I started that very day, I started thanking the Lord for each of my children's smiles, their beautiful expressive faces.  Thanking the Lord for all the hugs I could feel, the times I  tucked them in bed, kissing their sleeping heads.  I thanked the Lord for each meal I prepared for my family, for every time I washed their clothes, the dishes and on and on.

I was 39. I was deaf.  But I was still their mother. Thank you Lord Jesus.

Above and below are some of my favorite pictures all taken from 1981 to 1984 before the deafness.

Halloween 1984  I made the girls "Little House on the Prairie" dresses. They were all picked to be on the church bulletin the next week.  The church had "Cowboy Day", I think. 

I totally LOVED being a homemaker and a mom!

Easter 1987, after deafness.

I am still their mom!

PTL

 

PS:  The year is 2013, this June 12th will be the 27th year of deafness.

Since 1999, have been implanted with a cochlear implant which aids me in "hearing".

It is truly a miracle of technology and every day, many, many times a day

I thank HIM for my "little miracle".

I was divorced in 1993.

The Lord then brought a very special hearing man who knew sign language and

 actually taught me signs just so we could communicate and date!

This  Sept 3, we will celebrate 19 years of marriage!

 

Since that day on the floor in my bedroom, I have experienced life pretty much as most of

you have.

There are bills to be paid, budgets to adhere to and stretch out.

There are tears and laughter and anger in disagreements.

FORGIVENESS and LOVE

Always, always there is Jesus through it all.

I wish I could say I became "perfect" that day in the bedroom with the touch of HIS hand in mine.

It has been and I know will be an interesting, challenging journey together, Jesus and me.

 

Honestly........there will always be a little part of me that would love to wake up and

hear normally again.

Yet, there is a HUGE part of me that Praises the Lord for allowing late deafness.

Because in the end.........HIS voice was the ONE VOICE I ALWAYS COULD HEAR.

 

The beauty is all around us, HE is all around us, we just have to "SEE".

HE is always speaking to us as individuals, we just have to want and be open to "HEARING HIM".

 

From my heart to yours, may JESUS CHRIST be the answer to all your needs.

Lynn

 

Deafness at 39

On August 6, 1986 my world turned upside down.  I was told by a specialist that I had to learn to live with deafness. I was 39. My children were 5, 10 and 12.
5 years before, my younger daughter was found to have a hearing loss. After testing it was also found that I had a severe hearing loss. How I had communicated as I did all my life without a hearing aid, no one can understand. I never knew I had a progressive hearing loss, I thought I heard like everyone else.  I had three children, I was room mother, into Brownie and Girl Scouts, had a nursey sunday school class, did all the usual mom things I loved and never had any problem or any indication of hearing loss.
However, my daughter and I were both fitted with a hearing aid and it was then that I realized I could actually hear my children down the block!  It was wonderful!  I heard so much more, further away etc. Life was beautiful. I had been given a gift. I never saw a hearing aid as a handicap, I saw it as a blessing to be able to hear more of my children, of my life.
So I was not prepared when just before a planned vacation my hearing aid was not working well. By the time we arrived "home" to visit my parents, voices were distorted and sounds were horribly loud.  I was annoyed with the malfunction of the hearing aid and not scared. I knew it would be fixed, but would have to wait until I was back home.
However, once home I had to see a specialist and then on August 6, my then husband and I were waiting for the Dr and when he walked in, I knew by the look on his face, that something was very wrong.  I was terrified.  I was told I had to learn to live with garbled sounds and voices or simply not use the hearing aid at all and be "smoothered in a world of white cotton" with no noise. The heariing aid only gave me some slight sound distortion.  I was deaf. I was 39.
Tomorrow I will share the day that I made the best decision of my life and tried to move forward as a deaf mom in a hearing world.  Please join me then.  I realize this may be "heavy" posting, but stay tuned, there have so many blessings that I am going to share along the way.
Have a beautiful day!
Lynn

Back to Chester Vermont

Chester Vermont is a quaint village, 90 minutes from my parents home just outside  Albany, NY. Because we loved to stop at  "Raspberries and Tyme", sadly no longer in business,  for lunch Chester was usually a stop on the way to somewhere else.  Usually Conway NH or other parts of Vermont.  We would stop, have lunch, browse the shops on the village green and end with a stop at the Rose Arbor B&B, tearoom and gift shop http://www.rosearbour.com/   In all the times we stopped in Chester we never seemed to time it right to have high tea. (yes my husband enjoys tea rooms with me, especially the dessert tray) but the gift shop just called out to me and I could never leave without stopping.

Me on the porch of Rose Arbor B&B, tearoom and gift shop.  Click all photos for more detail.

Terry at Raspberries and Tyme, sadly not in business anymore.

Rose Arbor gift shop.  Looking at this picture now, I wish I had purchased the beautiful table topper. The shop has such beautiful items.

I see I have my wallet out, cannot remember what I purchased on this trip.  A small remembrance of our day, more than likely. Don't you just love this shop?

This is where Raspberries and Tyme was located. I have read that there is a cafe there now, but do not know the name.

Chester's architectural style has changed little since the 1800's.  The commercial buildings are former residences. Plainer building are from the first half of 19th century and the more exuberant ones are from the second half of the 19th,  such as the building that used to house Raspberried and Tyme.

The restaurant was on the first floor and the porch.  We had breakfast one time on the porch, but cannot locate those pictures.  For such a large building, the actual dining area was small, as I remember. Perhaps the upstairs floors were used for special parties or rental living quarters.  If any is familiar with Chester and knows why they went out of business I would be interested in knowing.  I really loved that place and no trip to see my parents was complete without a trip to Chester Vt.

Across the village green from the restaurant was The Hugging Bear Inn and Shoppe. While we never stayed at this lovely inn, I have heard there is a teddy bear awaited you on each bed and the bears even look out the windows of the room.  For more information click here http://www.huggingbear.com/

Above and below are two more wonderful shops along the village green.

Finally the Chester Drug store.  Don't you just love the curtains in the windows?   Not your usual CVS or Walgreens is it?  See why I love to visit Chester VT when in the NE?
 

I hope you have enjoyed your visit to Chester as much as I have enjoyed remembering our trips there. So much so, I would love be able to fly to New York tomorrow, but hopefully next year again.
 
Tomorrow I will have another story about one of our trips to the area around Chester.  It is called, Remembering the Moments,  about a ordinary day that turned into a very special moment that has since given us big smiles each time one of us says "Chester".  Please come back and join me tomorrow.
 
Have a delightful week.
Lynn

October 15, 1945

October 15, 1945 was my parents long awaited wedding day.  They became engaged while my father was in the service.  World War II broke out and they were separated for almost 5 years while my father served his country in the Pacific.  He arrived home Sept 1945 and their beautiful wedding took place the next month.

Above was my dad's homecoming in NYC after 5 long years away during WWII.
The couple on the right were their best friends who "chaperoned" mom as they went to
NYC to meet my dad, for the first time in almost 5 years!  I love the "chaperoned" element.
This is one of the most beautiful photos I have of my mother.

 Their beautiful wedding.
.

A Coca-Cola picnic they shared just before my father was drafted.
Mom in front of the Albany, Coca-Cola plant where she was the secretary to the boss.
Love the umbrella photo and dad's shoes!  Then there is mom's coat. The hat!  Anyone who
knows me knows my love of hats!  Go mom!

My wonderful dad. My "forever hero".

My mom and dad built their home next to her parents just outside the city limits of Albany, New York. They had been given the lot as their wedding gift from her parents.  They lived there together until Dad fell in early 2000 and went into a nursing home.  Mom had taken such wonderful care of my father all his life, especially the last years of his life when he had mutiliple illnesses. After he fell, it was just too much for mom to handle.  He went into the nursing home and less than two months later my mom literally walked out of the home they shared all their lives and went to live in the nursing home with dad.  They were waiting on a room together and finally the day arrived.  They spent their first night together in "their room". The next morning my dad was taken to the hospital, and passed away some weeks later.  Mom told me she could not leave the "last home they had together" which was her room. 

All their life, they loved their home and their back yard.
The little dog is "buttons" my black cocker spaniel.

 In March when Mom's organs were shutting down and we had the call, I knew in my heart I would not get there in time. My cousins who live very close were with her.  At the very end, after a lot of incoherent words, she was quiet for a time, then loud and clear said "ART" and slipped away.  I know my dad was waiting for her to walk together into eternity.

I love you Mom and Dad

This is long ago, 1970

In my home on Sarasota Lake, NY

Since I originally wrote this post in 2009, and mom has just passed away in March of that year.

I am updating a bit so it make a little more sense reading it now.

My mother choose to stay in the nursing home.

After dad died, mom had good years and many friends, but there was always

something missing, Art.

About 4 years after dad died, mom became more and more forgetful, and had not

known me in the last four years of her life.

The last time I was with my mom was Oct 15 2008.

 I spent the day telling her how she meet my dad and how she "got him", lol. She was the secretary at the Albany Coca-Cola Bottling Plant. My dad was a route salesman. Her desk sat in front of the window looking out to North Allen Street. Across the street was a restaurant. As the story goes mom saw dad taking his "girlfriend" to lunch a few times. Mom thought dad was "just fine" and she never said exactly how she "got him", but she was the love of my father's life.

So  it was with delight that I sat with mom in the nursing home and told her over and over the story. Each time she laughed like a "schoolgirl". Her laughter was silvery, almost a giggle and the light in her eyes shone. Her mind may not have known what day it was, but somehow, I know her heart understood. My dad was the love of her life also.

Welcome to my blog

Hello there,
I am so happy you have stopped by to check out the new blog on the block.  We can sit on the porch and chat awhile. I do have to warn you, it is still hot in Florida. Certainly, not your Fall weather. So come on out, choose any tea cup that speaks to your heart and pull up a chair.
I have always been a romantic dreamer. Some people would say I see the world through "rose colored glasses".  I just choose to see what is good, positive and beautiful in life rather than dwelling on the negatives.  I believe this one quality enabled me to overcome the biggest loss of my life. At 39, with three children 12, 10 and 5, I lost my hearing to the point that what little I did hear was garbled and distorted and gradually even those sounds faded away.
Fast forward to today.  For the past 10 years this month I "hear" with a cochlear implant.  My children are all adults and we have 5 enchanting grandchildren, one "princess" granddaughter and 4 active grandsons! My husband Terry, is my best friend, my hero, "my everything I ever dreamed for" and my gift from God after deafness.
When one looses a major sense they depend on their remaining senses even more.  So for this romantic dreamer, what I see has become even more precious. Every day I try to weave dreams, graciousness and beauty through my daily reponsbilities to a full time job, being a wife, mom, grandmother, friend.
In writing this blog, I hope to share some of those beautiful aspects of my life that have touched me deeply.  Many are simple pleasures, small gestures, the comforts of my cottage home, my family, my love of Jesus Christ and my belief in miracles. Some are  of the "larger than life" special moments on trips Terry and I have taken.  For me, no matter how lovely the trip, the real joy is in having shared with the love of my life.
Please do come back again.    Have a blessed day.
Lynn