Hello there friend,
This is a post I wrote some time ago, detailing the effect of becoming "late deafened" at 39 when my children were 5, 10 and 12.
This post begins 6 weeks after I had been told to "learn to live with being deaf".
This is so not about me, I am just the vehicle Jesus is using to tell my story of Him.
There has never been a day since that I have not needed to hold tightly to HIS hand,
nor a day I not been grateful for all the blessings in my life.
Go ahead grab a cup of coffee/tea and a bite to eat.
Let's sit together as I tell you of this day back in Sept 1986.
A Hand to Hold
My world became a "glass bubble". Everything in my world appeared to be the same from the
outside. I got up every morning as usual, prepared nourishing breakfast for the family, hustled the children into the car to take them to school. Waved to friends doing the same. Kissed my children goodbye as they left, told them I loved them, told them they could be anything they wanted to be. Smiled, blew kisses. Drove off.
From the outside, nothing had changed.
From inside, my world was filled with a terror so gripping, so total, that each morning after I came back home I would go into our bedroom, take the phone I had used right before leaving on vacation 6 weeks before and hold it up to my ear. I WAS NOT GOING TO BE DEAF! I WAS GOING TO WILL MYSELF TO HEAR THE DIAL TONE OF THAT PHONE! I would hold that phone pressed to ear for minutes, hours, I truly don't know. Each day I would be determined that this was the day I would hear the dial tone, as the minutes slipped by the tears fell, the terror increased, my ability to handle the loss of the major sense of hearing became less and less. In desperation, I would throw the phone across the bed and cry myself to sleep. Every day I would wake up in time to clean up, set up milk and a snack, get my children from school, smile, wave to friends, bring my children home and again, from the outside my life looked normal.
This went on for several weeks. Each day the terror inside grew. With each aspect of my life that was taken away such as seeing my friends and sharing a few words at school, using the phone to talk to my parents 1500 miles away, asking for anything and being able to understand the response in a store, post office, bank, school office, the children's teachers, the terror took over and my reality became a nightmare of "how do I be the mother I was"?
One day, I had totally reached the end of my ability to cope with being deaf. I took my children to school, came home took the bottle of Tylenol and a glass of iced tea into the bedroom. I did not have the strength to fight through the glass bubble of deafness that surrounded me every waking moment of every single day. I wanted to smash that glass bubble, but the harder I pounded the more strength I lost. I loved my three children with all my heart. I loved being their mom. I had three very unique, wonderful children. Inside I was still that mom. Outside, my glass bubble made it impossible for me to be that mom anymore. As the terror washed over me again and again like waves smashing against the rocks, I closed my eyes, still holding the unopened Tylenol bottle and knew I had come to a crossroad. I wanted my life back! I wanted to hear my children. I wanted to make calls as a room mother, I wanted to hear whispered secrets, I wanted to know why my children were crying or laughing. I WANTED MY LIFE BACK! I wanted to open the Tylenol and take them all. What good was I as their mother now? Each time I went to open the bottle, three precious little faces would come to mind. Yet.....I was so alone, just a imitation of the mother I had loved being. I started to open the bottle........I felt HIS hand grab mine. I knew it was Jesus. I did not see a vision with my eyes, but the hand I was holding with a death grip was solid, real. No, I cannot explain it other than to say I felt the peace, strength and HIS LOVE surround me. I don't know how long I just sat holding HIS hand. No concept of time. Only being filled to overflowing from my soul.
Finally, I got up. I was still deaf. I was still felt remnants of terror and a griping loneliness, but I knew that I had HIS strength to never hold a bottle of Tylenol in my hands and think of ending my life. That day, I made a decision to walk through deafness, terror, loneliness, despair, anger, grief, frustration and to find instead beauty and blessings.
I started that very day, I started thanking the Lord for each of my children's smiles, their beautiful expressive faces. Thanking the Lord for all the hugs I could feel, the times I tucked them in bed, kissing their sleeping heads. I thanked the Lord for each meal I prepared for my family, for every time I washed their clothes, the dishes and on and on.
I was 39. I was deaf. But I was still their mother. Thank you Lord Jesus.
Above and below are some of my favorite pictures all taken from 1981 to 1984 before the deafness.
Halloween 1984 I made the girls "Little House on the Prairie" dresses. They were all picked to be on the church bulletin the next week. The church had "Cowboy Day", I think.
I totally LOVED being a homemaker and a mom!
Easter 1987, after deafness.
I am still their mom!
PS: The year is 2013, this June 12th will be the 27th year of deafness.
Since 1999, have been implanted with a cochlear implant which aids me in "hearing".
It is truly a miracle of technology and every day, many, many times a day
I thank HIM for my "little miracle".
I was divorced in 1993.
The Lord then brought a very special hearing man who knew sign language and
actually taught me signs just so we could communicate and date!
This Sept 3, we will celebrate 19 years of marriage!
Since that day on the floor in my bedroom, I have experienced life pretty much as most of
There are bills to be paid, budgets to adhere to and stretch out.
There are tears and laughter and anger in disagreements.
FORGIVENESS and LOVE
Always, always there is Jesus through it all.
I wish I could say I became "perfect" that day in the bedroom with the touch of HIS hand in mine.
It has been and I know will be an interesting, challenging journey together, Jesus and me.
Honestly........there will always be a little part of me that would love to wake up and
hear normally again.
Yet, there is a HUGE part of me that Praises the Lord for allowing late deafness.
Because in the end.........HIS voice was the ONE VOICE I ALWAYS COULD HEAR.
The beauty is all around us, HE is all around us, we just have to "SEE".
HE is always speaking to us as individuals, we just have to want and be open to "HEARING HIM".
From my heart to yours, may JESUS CHRIST be the answer to all your needs.